Thank you to all who entered
The WINNER of SELLING HOPE is:
Evelyn
CONGRATULATIONS!
CONGRATULATIONS!
Please email me your mailing address
yascribe(at)comcast(dot)net
AND NOW FOR THE FLASH FICTION CHALLENGE
AND NOW FOR THE FLASH FICTION CHALLENGE
The instructions:
Write a short story/flash fiction story in 200 words or less, excluding the title. It can be in any format, including a poem. Begin the story with the words, “The door swung open” These four words will be included in the word count.
If you want to give yourself an added challenge (optional), use the same beginning words and end with the words: “the door swung shut.” (also included in the word count)
For those who want an even greater challenge, make your story 200 words EXACTLY! If you enjoy my piece below, be sure to head back to Rachael Harrie’s site and “Like” my piece (#240). Then, be sure to check out some of my fellow campaigners!
WARNING!
FOR THOSE WHO HAVE SUFFERED AT THE HANDS OF AN ABUSER
THE FOLLOWING PIECE MAY BE VERY DISTURBING
Gotcha!
The door swings open
Slams
I count to five
Five seconds until he appears
In my bedroom doorway
Five seconds
Until it starts
Nowhere to run
Too late to hide
Breathe in
Breathe out
Heavy footsteps
Down the hallway
Heart pounds
Feign sleep
Maybe he’ll be too tired
Or too drunk
Tonight
Breathe in
Breathe out
Whiskey fumes
Fill the room
Like noxious gas
Lights on
Wake up!
I clutch the sheet in my hands
Not tonight
Please
Not tonight
Breathe in
Breathe out
Where’s Mama?
Can’t she hear?
Doesn’t she know?
Breathe in
Breathe out
Lights out
Hot breath
On my neck
I reach up to the windowsill
Grasp the phone
Push the buttons
Breathe in
Breathe out
Darcy says I need evidence
Some kind of proof
So she loaned me
Her cell
Taught me
How to use it
Breathe in
Breathe out
You like this
Don’t you, Baby?
I utter no sound
Keep talkin’
I gotcha
This time
He keeps talkin’
Dirty talk
Doesn’t even notice
The dim square light
On the windowsill
Breathe in
Breathe out
Don’t think
Just breathe
In out
In out
He stands up
Zips up
For the last time
The door swings shut
Wow...very powerful. You had me holding my breath and cringing. A ton of impact in just a few words.
ReplyDeleteHoly Wow! that was....
ReplyDeleteThe use of short punchy sentences really enhanced your story beautifully here. Nice!
ReplyDeletePowerful and very brave, because not enough of us like to deal with subjects as this.
ReplyDeleteThat was a literary gut punch, that was.
ReplyDeleteHard to read because it was so visceral and real.
Good job, A!
Very powerful stuff. I love that's she's not completely broken - so, so strong, in fact.
ReplyDeleteThis is fantastic! So powerful and scary. Good job!
ReplyDeleteVery, very good.
ReplyDeleteWow. Amazing use of language to convey so much. Great job!
ReplyDeleteWow! You tackled a difficult subject and didn't tiptoe around it. Love how snappy this is. Brilliant.
ReplyDeletePowerful, and thought provoking.
ReplyDeleteLove the pace.
Bravo! Amazing. Powerful. Plain great.
ReplyDeleteAngelina, it sent shivers down my spine - literally! Well done.
ReplyDeleteSo glad someone opted for a poetic form and you have done it justice with a difficult subject. I am going to vote ;)
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely chilling, Angelina! You chose a great form for this piece. Well done.
ReplyDeleteAll the more powerful because it was so taut, and matter of fact. Well done, Angelina.
ReplyDeleteWhat more can I say that hasn't already been said? Bravo, Angelina, Bravo!!! I hope the door knocked him to hell on the way out.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh! those 200 words flew! Now for that creep to get his due.
ReplyDeleteGreat work, Angelina! :)
Intense! I couldn't help but think of that scene in the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo movie where she videoed her parole officer. Love it!
ReplyDeleteMy favorite, for it's strength, spareness, and glimmer of hope. I love that you never throw away a word.
ReplyDeleteFabulous 200 words here, Angelina. Very powerful and definitely leaves the reader to think...great job!
ReplyDeleteI love when writers can tackle a difficult subject and make you connect. Well done!
ReplyDeleteBrave, powerful and very very well done. Congratulations.
ReplyDeleteHeart wrenching, Angelina. The staccato lines make it very powerful.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you for my SELLING HOPE win. I'm delighted!! :)
Oh my gosh. I have chills.
ReplyDeleteOoooh...I loved this because it's so unique!
ReplyDeleteOh my, that is powerful.
ReplyDeleteWonderful entry. I assigned a judge to your group so we'll see if they like it as much as I do. Thanks for visiting my blog :)
ReplyDeleteNicely done, Angelina! Love the repetition of breathe in, breathe out.
ReplyDeleteWow! I can only echo everyone else. . . that was very powerfully well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks, everyone, for your encouraging comments. I had to summon a lot of courage to put this up, but you've made me happy that I did. ^_^
ReplyDeleteHoly Mackeral! What a use of the challenge words!
ReplyDeleteDenise
Very hard to read but some of the best stuff is. I love the way you wrote it, made it all the more vivid. At least for this poor girl, it ended. Great job!
ReplyDeleteVery few poems in this challenge..but you did a fantastic job with this one. So vivid, tense...everything the dark subject demanded. Kudos.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your visit to my blog, --am thrilled to have you as a fellow-campaigner!
Would like to invite you and your readers to take a look at The Rule of Three Blogfest ---a month-long extravaganza in the fictional town of Renaissance this October, with some great prizes, comment love, and of course, a lot of exposure for your writing.
Powerful writing like yours would be right at home in the town of Renaissance because we're open to all genres, including poetry.
One powerful piece. Great job on Challenge #1. Now I have to get busy. I haven't even started yet. You put me to shame . . . but so beautifully.
ReplyDeleteHorrifyingly powerful. I feel silly to even suggest you read mine other than you might need the entertainment. I'm #72
ReplyDeleteGoosebumps. Lovely...er, I mean... Goodness. I very much enjoyed this. No, that doesn't sound right either. A beautiful piece. Yup. That works. =)
ReplyDeleteI really hope you win this. I also just gave you another Liebster award! Feel free to NOT go through with the passing it on, as I know it's a lot of work and you just did. But I wanted to acknowledge how much I appreciate your encouragement.
ReplyDeleteLOVE!
I was totally taken into the moment. Very powerful.
ReplyDeletePowerful! Courageous! Thank you for stopping by and commenting, so that I could read this.
ReplyDeleteExcellent. You have really captured the terror of the young girl.
ReplyDeleteOh! So painful. And dark. And good. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteIt is wonderfully done. I have never been abused but still I felt it. Emphatic.
ReplyDeleteWow, so riveting! Great job!
ReplyDeleteReally powerful.
ReplyDeleteReally intense and emotional. Fantastic job.
ReplyDeleteThis is very rare and real. I enjoyed reading it very much.
ReplyDeleteI liked the repetition of breathe in, breathe out. This was very powerful stuff.
ReplyDeleteTerrifying! I like the way you've structured this. Powerful stuff!
ReplyDeleteAngelina - Wonderfully powerful! Fantastic job! I was riveted 'til the end.
ReplyDeleteSimply stunning and so powerful. Bravo ;)
ReplyDeleteWoha. Well done and very brave, definately. Also brave on the use of poetry rather than prose for the flash!
ReplyDeleteShattering. I think al of us were in that room from the very first line.
ReplyDeletePowerful writing.
That was utterly perfect!
ReplyDeleteThis is one of those things that needs to go viral on the internet to give courage and hope.
I really hope you win this challenge!
Wow that was amazing! Very disturbing and creepy and sad but perfect nevertheless. Great job!
ReplyDeleteAmazing what you put it in 200 words. I was rooting for her, holding my breath, needing for her to be ok and for him to get it in the end. One of my favorites so far! A well-deserved Like.
ReplyDeleteOh gosh, this was amazing for so many reasons -- the use of short phrases to evoke a breathless, fearful sort of quality, as well as the topic. You've got my vote!
ReplyDeleteExcellent job! Full of emotion and heartbreaking. One of the best I've read so far! (PS- I met your agent at a conference last fall and thought she was great!)
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is, WOW!
ReplyDeleteWow, that was powerful gut punch to be sure. I'm so glad it ended on a hopeful note. Excellent story, excellently told.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely agree with everyone here. Powerful, in so few words.
ReplyDeleteHi Angelina - thanks for stopping by my blog, and now I'm following you! What a powerful poem. So vivid. So gritty. I love that he got his comeuppance at the end (at least I hope he does).
ReplyDeleteFantastic poem, fantastic story.
ReplyDeleteAliB
I find it amazing how much can be conveyed in 200 words. So much in the white space in between each breath, isn't there?
ReplyDeleteExcellent! I think since our pieces both dealt with anxiety/fear that this format is such a great way to convey the feeling of being trapped. Really well done.
ReplyDeleteLove the structure and pace of this piece. The tension is palpable. Good work!
ReplyDeleteWOW, I'm still chilled. That was great! Fellow campaigner and new follower! I also write YA! Great job!
ReplyDeleteCONGRATULATIONS! You have been shortlisted as one of the top 5 to move on to stage two. There will be a semi-final (stage three) and a final (stage four).
ReplyDeleteI judged this round and found your piece to be exceptional! Congrats!
I could feel the tension all the way through this piece. I love the way the lines are so short but communicate so much.
ReplyDeleteOMG! So good.
ReplyDeleteAmazingly written, Angelina. My heart was pounding while I read this. Great tension.
ReplyDeleteLove the way you decided to handle the structure of this piece. Very moving.
ReplyDeleteThat was so powerful! Great job! :)
ReplyDeleteWow. This is gorgeous. I am so glad I found you. What a powerful piece.
ReplyDeleteWow, that was gripping and beautiful.
ReplyDeleteWow, that was intense. A emotional subject handled with skill and creativity. Love the cellphone getting evidence. Fantastic piece. You get my vote :)
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteStunning piece! I say that in the literal sense. Gee! ;)
best
F
This is so fantastic, Angelina :) Kept me engaged, lightning quick, and visceral too! A favorite :) WOOT!
ReplyDeleteMarie
Wonderfully written, and so different to anything else I've seen so far. I was right there with her, feeling the panic.
ReplyDeleteSheesh, I was kind of breathless by the end of that. Tense, heartbreaking, rooting for the character that she'll be able to "catch out" her abuser without him catching her first...
ReplyDeleteI'm amazed at what you packed into 200 words. It's so full of emotion. Heartbreaking, but well done.
ReplyDeleteCrickey! What a powerfully-written piece!
ReplyDeleteHoly. Cow. That was incredibly chilling and freaky and all in under 200 words! Way to go.
ReplyDeleteAmazing. Even though your subject matter was dark, you still had me anticipating every word. Very, very well done.
ReplyDeleteWow! Just...wow. A difficult subject done so well, with that slight twist where the victim becomes, in a way, the "victor."
ReplyDelete(Mine is #253)
Nothing more to add, Angelina. This was incredibly powerful writing. Your short lines made me modulate my breath to fit, ending with me being completely breathless.
ReplyDeleteExcellently done, fellow campaigner!
This was intense, and extremely well done! Also incredibly horrifying, but thank goodness for the second to last line.
ReplyDelete